Growing up, my biggest fear in life was rejection.
I feared not being liked or accepted by someone due to my personality, appearance or both.
It frightened me because those are the two things that make me who I am.
If I were to get rejected because of them, it would make me feel as if I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or simply enough.
It wasn’t until this year that I truly conquered that fear and quickly developed a new fear.
When I’m not working as a journalist or as I like to call it “playing the role of Lois Lane” and I’m surrounded by a lot of new faces or the faces of men I find attractive, I can’t help but feel like that shy little girl I was back in middle school.
My heart starts to beat more rapidly. My body starts to sweat and my fear of rejection makes me paranoid to the point where I don’t even contribute much to a conversation because I’m overthinking and overanalyzing everything I might say or do that will give off the wrong impression or g interpreted wrong.
I’ve learned that my fear of rejection becomes my biggest problem when I’m around people I’m attracted to or have crushes on (yes college students still have crushes and I’m not talking about those #MCM or #WCW).
The thought of being rejected by someone that you are not only attracted to, but also find fascinating and think of as someone special is terrifying.
It terrified me to the point that I wouldn’t dare let my feelings be known around a crush. I feared my heart wouldn’t be able to handle the “I’m just not that into you” response.
Unfortunately, I’m a sensitive person who is really absorbent, meaning I easily soak in everything. If someone gives me a compliment, I won’t just say thank you and forget about it in an hour. I’ll take it to heart and think about how kind of it was for them to say that and how happy it made me feel.
If someone were to poke fun at the shoes I was wearing, I would try my hardest to brush it off. However, if something were said that made me feel embarrassed or really hurt my feelings (I don’t have thick skin), I would not look at those shoes the same. I would still wear them, but I wouldn’t feel the same wearing them.
Earlier this year, I found myself facing this fear and it started with a crush I had on a young man who attends the same school as me. He lives on the same floor as me and believe me when I say I had fallen head over heels over this dude.
He was handsome, sweet, kind, respectful, chivalrous, and had manners. Ladies, he was a catch! He was definitely someone special and before I could make sense of what I was feeling, I found myself crushing on him.
I admit crushes are cute, but at the same time they’re annoying and can get overwhelming. I began to feel overwhelmed because I fell for him hard and thought he was just a modern day Prince Charming. This wasn’t a good thing because at that point, I wanted to let him know how I felt or at least find out if he was taken because I was wasting emotions and time on someone who could have already found his Cinderella.
At this point, due to the amount of stress I was causing myself because of this crush and my habit of falling too fast and too deep, I knew I just had to do something.
I had to face my fear.
The guy I had a crush on is a player for my school’s basketball team. After covering a bad game where his team loss, during the interview I noticed shame and disappointment written all over his face.
It was heartbreaking to see how much of an impact the loss had left on him. As the team captain, he took full responsibility for the weak performance displayed on the court. After that interview, I had to say something to him.
I decided instead of confessing my feelings for him (“I have a huge crush on you”), I would just share some motivational words with him. Due to my timid behavior, I was not going to walk up to him and do it. Instead, I was going to use my most efficient form of communication, writing, and write him a letter.
I wrote him a letter and by the time I finished it, it was 2:00 a.m. After writing this letter, I had stared about it for a good 30 minutes or so wondering if I really wanted to do this. Did I want to put myself out there and potentially risk embarrassing myself?
That was the moment I knew this was my chance and the time for me to overcome my fear of rejection. I had to prove to myself that I was brave enough to give him this letter and let my voice be heard.
That was the moment I overcame my fear and developed a new fear at the same time. If I didn’t do this now, I knew I would regret it and I didn’t want to live with a flashback of me tearing up the letter I invested so much time in writing.
I had to tell myself that I was worth it. I had to learn that if I didn’t do this for me then I was being unfair to myself. Who cares if he thinks I’m a creep? Who cares if I get rejected? Who cares if he doesn’t say one word to me after reading that letter?
If I didn’t send that letter out of fear of making him feel uncomfortable then I was giving myself the shorter end of the stick. I was valuing how much his worth and feelings toward the letter more than my own.
And that’s just not right.
That moment, I walked down the hall and slid that letter under his door. I didn’t care how foolish I looked. I didn’t care what his reaction would be like. All I cared about was adding volume to my voice because my voice deserved to be heard.
I am worthy of making my feelings known just like everyone else. And what I say matters just like everyone else. My biggest fear than quickly jumped from rejection to fear itself.
As of now, I am no longer afraid of rejection. I am afraid of not taking advantage of opportunities because of how stupid or strange I might look. I am afraid of not raising my voice because I fear I’ll say something stupid or that it will come out all wrong. I am afraid of hearing my favorite song on the radio and not singing along because I am afraid strangers around me will laugh and make fun of my terrible vocal skills.
I am afraid of fear and in a strange way that makes me feel fearless. The thought that I may be afraid of this or that but I’m going to do it anyway because I’m worth it is so motivational and inspiring to me.
Call me crazy, but my fear has not allowed me to runaway from things now. Instead, I am chasing down my fears because why not?
We are worth every chance worth taking. We are worth every rule worth breaking. If there is something you really want to do and you’re afraid of embarrassing yourself or making the people around you feel uncomfortable, then I suggest you do it.
You deserve to live a life without regrets or “what if’s” or “what should’ve been.” So, instead of fearing the outcome, fear depriving yourself the chance to grow and to live.
I’ve learned you’ve got to stop playing it safe and step out of your comfort zone because once you’re comfortable with being uncomfortable, you discover so many new things about yourself.
I was brave enough to sign my name at the bottom of that letter instead of leaving it anonymous and I told him where I lived and what I looked like in case he wanted to know who “Charnae” was.
Of course, my hands were shaking nonstop when I did it, but as soon as I let the letter go, the shaking stop. My body felt peaceful. I could stop worrying and I felt fearless.
As Told by the Girl Next Door 